Etiquette
Questions & Answers on Etiquette
Yes, I know this is supposed to be a Blog on Names, Titles, & Forms
of Address, but other stuff shows up and I still answer.  -- Robert

Do You Ever Introduce Yourself with an Honorific?             
Do You Sign Your Name as "Dr. (Name)"?             
How to Address a "Kentucky Colonel?     
How to Correct Someone Who Addresses You Incorrectly?     
Carrying a Drink from the Reception to Dinner?            

Are Official Gifts Wrapped?           
Official Gifts Exchange Between Officials?           
How to Deal with Unwanted Presents?     
Use of First Names in a Formal Business Environment?     

Can I Put My Twitter Name on My Business Card?      

How to Write a Name Tag for an "Honorable"?      

How Does an American Citizen Wear Decorations?            
Does a US Citizen Bow to a Foreign Head of State?             
Does a President Bow to a Foreign King or Queen?            
Touching a Queen / Queen Elizabeth / Queen of the United Kingdom ?                 

How To Write a Name Tag for an "Honorable"?
      I know in writing, you use“The Honorable” but how do you address someone with that designation on a name tag for an event?
          -- LMP, Jacksonville, Florida

Dear LMP:
     There are many ways to do name tags for officials ... and the style that is best depends on the circumstances the name tag will be used and the preference of the host/principal of the event. The name tag is not a form of address: it is a functional item to encourage interaction.
    Here is some of what I wrote in my chapter on Name Badges & Place Cards:
    1) Write what the person reading the name tag should call the official wearing the tag:
        Senator James Wilson
        Mayor Alice Smith
    2) Provide some additional information to what the person reading the name tag should call the official wearing the tag. This is useful if there are many holders of the same office in the room:
        Senator James Wilson
              (D) Kansas
        Mayor Alice Smith
              Frostburg, PA
    3) Or provide more information -- and use The Honorable on the tag. This is useful when there is a mix of elected, appointed, and military in the room. Of course this requires those reading the tag to understand what to call the person in conversation:
        The Honorable James Wilson
              Senator of Kansas
        The Honorable Alice Smith
              Mayor, Frostburg, PA
   That said, even if you make the name tags, often very high officials won't wear them!
          -- Robert Hickey 

How to Let Others Know The Sort of Present You Would Like?
     I really need an answer to this etiquette question, and don't know where to turn.  I know that you'll know the correct thing to do, so I'd be much obliged if you'd drop me a quick line whenever you have a moment.
    While I appreciate the thought behind Christmas and birthday gifts, I would like to know what to do when I constantly receive the same gifts from people?  Many of my friends always give me candles for every occasion.  This Christmas, I've already received enough candles to open my own candle shop.  Thing is, I HATE candles with a passion.  Yes, they're pretty and smell nice, but I never use them.  I have never mentioned an interest in candles and always thank people who give me any gift, but what can I do to stop people from giving them to me?  I would love to receive anything but a candle for a gift.... a small bowl of nuts; a box of biscuits, a jar of hand cream, a scarf, a wedge of cheese..... ANYTHING!!!!
     Is there any polite way to let people know not to give me candles as gifts?  Your answer would be greatly appreciated.
     Many thanks, Mr. Hickey!
           -- Olive Abrams

Dear Ms. Abrams:
    While it’s a nice concept that presents would be what we actually want ... it clearly doesn't work that way.
    The best option for you is to begin TODAY to be pro-active and start telling people you REALLY want ... you are insane for cashews, love Avon Moisture Therapy hand cream, think white chocolate macadamia cookies are simply the best. That way others won't be wondering what you like and what to give you.
    I've ‘educated’ everyone I know I am always happy to get a bottle of wine, l'Occitaine’s lemon verbena soap, or a CD of music they've discovered that's great.  While I like books I have too many. So I tell people that when I get a book as a present -- since my apt. in NYC is so small -- my first thought is not GOOD but "what book am I going have to get rid of to accommodate this new book?"  This has worked for me and I don’t be many books anymore.
            -- Robert Hickey

Should I Include My Twitter Name on My Business Card?
    Dear Robert,
    Someone I met wanted to follow me on Twitter, so I wrote my Twitter name on the back of my business card. Is this proper?
    Should people now put their Twitter name on the front of their card as part of their contact info? I hope you can give me some guidance about this as I am speaking to a young professionals group on Thursday and want to be able to give them the "proper etiquette" for this. I wouldn't have even thought of this if it hadn't just happened to me. Thanks so much.
             -- Rachel on Twitter

Dear Rachel,
    Put on your card every way you invite communication. Most formally a business card does not include promotional information, but not everyone needs the most formal style of card. What's promotional? I’d define:
        Web site = promotion
        E-mail address = communication
        Twitter name = promotion
        Telephone number = communication
    Even if including your Twitter name is more promotion than communication ... only you can decide how formal you need your card to be.
    Certainly, social media sites are important avenues of communication for many: I got several notes to my Facebook page from Protocol School of Washington graduates this week ... but I'd say those are more personal & less formal than messages sent to me via my work e-mail address.
            -- Robert Hickey

How and When to Use First Name in Business?
    Hi Robert,
    Greetings from Ireland. I had an interesting question at business etiquette presentation I gave last night to a Network Group of people who were starting up their own businesses.
     This man came up to me after the presentation and introduced himself as Frank. He told me that he had applied for a job in an international bank -- which he described as a very formal company.  He then got a phone call to say that he was shortlisted, which he was delighted about. He has been in constant contact with the interviewer's assistant, with whom he has built up a very good rapport -- and they are now on first name basis. But his predicament is how will he address the assistant in front of the interviewer?  Does he address her by first name or does he call her Ms. (last name)?  He doesn't want to give a bad first impression.
     I would very much welcome your thoughts on this.  Thanking you in anticipation,
        -- Colleen O'Leary, Dublin

Dear Colleen,
      It's an international bank ...and a formal environment, so I'd advise he start with formality. He can figure out how formal/casual it is 'inside' after he gets the job.
      Even though Frank is already on a first name basis with the assistant ... He should call her Ms. (surname) in the presence of anyone not a part of their more familiar relationship.
     Say you are a personal friend of "Sean" who is a member of the Irish Parliament (another formal environment).  You and a colleague (who has never met Sean) are at a meeting where Sean is there officially. It would not be considerate for you to introduce Sean simply as "Sean" to your colleague -- or others not also on a first-name basis with Sean. Sean might invite your colleague to call him by his first name .... but that's his option. And since he's there in an official capacity it's appropriate to keep it formal in the public arena.
     Or, say you worked very closely with a Irish Army General who you called by his first name in private ... but everywhere in public you called him "General Lyles" and he called you "Ms. O'Leary" .... so as not to invite others to address either of them by their first names until it was appropriate to do so.
            -- Robert Hickey

How to Teach a Child How to Behave at a Restaurant?
I came across a children's etiquette book to add to your library or to give as a gift to a family with a little one -- Wiggens Learns His Manners at the Four Seasons Restaurant by Leslie McGuire and Alex von Bidder.
     About curious and high-energy puppies at the famous NYC eatery, it includes ten lessons about being a well-behaved guest. I especially liked it because it's not yet another book on table manners ... it's on how to help a kid navigate a new and complicated environment: something not all adults are flawless at either!
      I'd say it is perfect for a parent to read to a child before eating out: menu vocabulary, courses and foods, how restaurants work, who they will meet, and lots of conversation starters for parents.
      I got my copy from the restaurant itself (after a memorable dinner) but it's available elsewhere too (like on Amazon.com).
    -- Robert Hickey

Exchange of Gifts between High Officials?
       Please, be so kind, giving me the proper solution for the situation below: Yesterday, our President was invited to have dinner today evening with an Ambassador. Today afternoon, the Ambassador sent to our President a gift: wine and a souvenir. The dinner will take place in the evening. What should our President do? I advised him to sent a Romanian gift tomorrow, after the dinner. Will be a perfect way to thank for the delightful evening. Is it correct? Should he sent a gift before dinner like the Ambassador did?
    -- Protocol School Graduate -- Ruxandra in Romania

Dear Ruxandra:
    Yes ... your President should SEND a reciprocal equivalent gift and not present it to the Ambassador. If there is time send it in advance of the dinner ... do so ... or send it after the dinner. That way gifts are exchanged, both are sent -- neither presented ... all is equal.
    -- Robert Hickey

Carrying A Drink From Reception to the Table?
     I have a question. At a reception prior to a formal (black-tie) dinner at a non-profit organization’s conference, guests were required to pay for their own drinks at the bar.  The line was long because there was only one bartender. When dinner was announced some guests had just gotten their drink.  They carried them in to the dinner and someone at their my table remarked that it was poor manners to bring drinks into dinner from a reception.  
    At dinner two bottles of were open and placed on each table.  After that, wine by the glass had to be purchased. I know that technically it is poor manners to bring your drinks to the table from the reception. But people here do it all the time and at $9 a glass for mediocre wine you can’t really blame them.  What do you think?
    -- Lesley Butler

Dear Ms. Butler:
        Etiquette changes over time and is always specific to the situation. Can you eat French fries with your fingers? At a white tablecloth restaurant I wouldn’t: at the ball park I would.
    You describe this reception with a single-line cash bar, two bottles of open wine on the table, and if you wanted additional glass of wine you would go buy it. I say it wasn't SO formal that I'd be too critical of moving some glassware around!  Maybe this situation was more akin to when you are at a restaurant and you have a drink in the bar until the table to be ready ... I wouldn’t advise anyone to throw away their newly delivered drink when the table becomes ready and they go to take their seats.
          -- Robert Hickey

Does a US Citizen Bow to a Foreign Head of State?
Does the President Bow to a Foreign King or Queen?
Mr. Hickey,
How deeply does a US citizen bow or curtsy when meeting a king or queen? Then as a follow-up, does the President of the United States bow or curtsy when meeting a king or queen on an official visit to their country?
     -- Jennifer Ripley, Winchester, Tennessee

Dear Ms. Ripley,
    I would follow the advice of Chris Young, President of the Protocol Diplomacy International / Protocol officers Association (he's also Chief of Protocol of the State of Georgia, and Director of International Affairs) when he says “Look no further than the U.S. Constitution, which states in Article I, Section 9, that ‘No title of nobility shall be granted by the United States.’ Those weren’t just words that prohibited Congress from naming someone a prince or princess, duke or duchess, lord or lady.  Those words were clear signals that in the U.S. all persons are on equal footing: that no nobility would exist here and thus no one had to bow to anyone. Certainly people here have titles such as president, chief executive officer, mayor, chancellor, and the like, but none of those titles was encoded on someone’s DNA.  Titles were to be ascending, earned through one’s own sweat equity and remarkable character, rather than descending, simply a generational bequeath to one’s progeny.”
    So a US citizen when meeting a king or queen – in the United States or in the monarch’s country -- should simply offer nod of the head as a sign of respect and shake the hand of the monarch if it was offered. This contrasts with either a deep bow or curtsy which would be an appropriate sign of fealty from a subject.
    Regarding the President. again I would quote of Chris Young, when he says both are “equals on the world stage.  Both are heads of state …. the only order of precedence that exists between the two is usually an alphabetical one rather than one of rank.”
    Since they are peers neither would bow to the other. So no, the President of the United States would perhaps offer nod of the head as a sign of respect and shake hands.
          -- Robert Hickey

Meeting The Queen and Prince Philip?
Touching the Queen of the United Kingdom?
Dear Mr. Hickey
When Barack Obama met Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip he called them “Your Majesty” and “Your Highness.”  Was that right? Was Michelle Obama putting her arm around the queen wrong?  I think it was nice.
        -- Dana Harriman

Dear Ms.Harriman
        First the form of address question -- a protocol question: The Queen of the United Kingdom, and every queen in the world, is directly addressed as Your Majesty.  A queen's name is never used in direct address. When you hear “Queen Elizabeth” in the media, it’s sort of shorthand for Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, Queen of the United Kingdom and Her Other Realms and Territories – which is a mouthful.
    The Prince Philip is not a Highness, he is a Royal Highness, and the correct address would have been Your Royal Highness. 
    Even though The President's addres was a mistake, I am certain the whole thing was unimportant to the The Prince Philip.  British royals are imminently familiar with Americans and our lack of practice with the forms of address used when addressing nobility.
    Second the touching question -- an etiquette question: Mrs. Obama putting her arm around the Queen was a more "familiar" gesture than would be correct by British tradition. Ms. Obama's action does indicate that the Obamas were not as knowledgeable of British traditions as they might have been.
    No one questions the Obamas sincerity or warmth, but the visit was not a personal visit for Barack, Elizabeth, Philip and Michelle ... it was an official, symbolic, photographed (and as such public) first meeting between heads of state. As such, a formal approach would have been appropriate for the situation.
    If I met The President I would not go up and give him the big hug that is common between men in the US nowadays. Out of respect for him and his office ... I would not. He's entitled to his space!
    Same with the Queen. There are a many ways to express warmth, sincerity, interest, and respect without touching -- and touching a royal person is not their tradition.
            -- Robert Hickey

How Does an American Citizen Wear Decorations?
     An American citizen is being inducted into the Royal Institute of Technology in Stockholm.  The event is a white tie and Swedish Royalty will be present.  Here is where we are having trouble.  This American man  will be wearing tails and would like to wear his decorations (he is government ... not military).
     Where should the decorations be displayed?  We were thinking a sash -- but isn't that usually reserved for royalty? We've read that you cannot reverse the sash because that would indicate he was a bastard child of the Royals. That gave us a big laugh. 
     So to wear a sash or to not wear a sash?  If so how?  And if not, where should his decorations be displayed?
     -- Robin Kim, Washington, DC

Dear Ms. Kim:
    Here's the rule: No uniform - no decorations.  As a civilian he would not wear decorations: they are reserved for those in uniform and for royalty.
                  -- Robert Hickey

How to Correct Someone Who Addresses You Incorrectly?
    There has been much talk about Senator Barbara Boxer's request to be addressed as Senator and not Ma'am.  Did General Walsh use an incorrect form of address?  (See the clip on YouTube)
    How do you suggest someone correct another if they are addressed incorrectly?  Is it polite to correct anyone in a public forum like this?  If not, how do you suggest Senator Boxer tackle what appears to be a gender specific problem (always being referred to as “Ma'am”) when her male colleagues are addressed as “Sir” and have no problem with it?
     -- Caroline Allbritain, Fort Wayne, Indiana

Dear Ms. Allbritain:
    This was a clash of cultures.
    In my book I show a Senator is initially addressed in conversation as Senator (name) and then as Senator in extended conversation. On Capital Hill that's the traditional form of address. Senator Boxer was asking for her traditional form of address. (Colleagues of mine point out that the way she did it and her tone of voice was scolding .... and could have been accomplished in a more appropriate manner. )
    Also in my book I show that the military addresses in conversation any superior as (Rank) (name) and then as Sir or Ma'am in extended conversation.  The Brigadier General was showing respect to a superior as it is shown in the armed services.
    I think correcting another as to what your name is or how to correctly pronounce it, is not only correct but can actually be kind. I'd rather learn I am doing it wrong and fix it immediately. None of us like being corrected, but I’d prefer to be corrected than to find I'd been addressing them incorrectly and they didn't bother to correct me.
      I have a colleague who early-on corrected me on the spelling of her first name: I'd misspelled it in an e-mail.  She said ... "Robert, it’s Lesley – not Leslie. Others have misspelled it, but I only correct people I really like." I thought that was a generous and gentle way to let me know I was wrong ... but ... I was still O.K. in her book!
                     -- Robert Hickey

Are Official Gifts Wrapped?
      I have a quick etiquette question  When my boss (a US Representative) is traveling overseas and meeting with dignitaries, is it proper to wrap gifts or leave the gifts unwrapped?  it proper to open gifts upon receiving them? Thank you for your help and guidance!
        -- KBR on Capitol Hill, Washington, DC

Dear KBR:
      On official gifts "presentation wrapping" is typical. Use a two-piece box, wrap only the box's top, don't wrap around bottom. This style is good if the gift will be opened immediately or if security wants to inspect it.  Sometimes customs inspectors will want everything opened, so traveling with fully wrapped gifts can pose yet another problem.
      Remember to consider cross-cultural issues when choosing the paper's color and pattern, and whether or not you use ribbon.
      Often gifts are not opened immediately ... since it's a distraction from the business at hand. You can just say "thank you" and leave unopened. Sometimes aides do the gift exchange and the principals are not even involved. But .... if your boss gets handed a present ... and he sensed they want it opened, sometimes one just has to ask if they want it opened at that moment.
                     -- Robert Hickey

Do You Ever Introduce Yourself with an Honorific?    
   Someone had a question that I couldn't answer but I bet you can! When we were at the part discussing not using honorifics to refer to yourself, someone asked about military titles. Are "General," "Major," or even "Ambassador," and "Mayor" considered honorifics and hence not to be used when referring to oneself? Or can an general introduce himself, "Hello, I am General Bob Smith." I thought it was a good question and told him I would get back to him.
        -- Etiquette Consultant in North Carolina

Dear EC in NC:   
    When people are introducing themselves it depends on how much the person with the 'title' wants the other person to know their "title" is.
    I grew up in Arlington, Virginia, near the Pentagon and can say for certain that officers, in or out of uniform, introduce themselves as "(first name)(last name)".  And last week while applying suntan lotion in my bathing suit on Truro's Ballston Beach on Cape Cod ... I met a someone who identified herself as "Alison Schwartz" an only later did I discover she was a member of the US House of Representatives.
     1) Sometimes -- as a courtesy -- people DO use honorifics to help the new person know who they are.
      E.g., Dr.'s will identify themselves as "Dr (name)" on their voice mail message as so patients know who is receiving the confidential message. Or will identify themselves as "Dr (name)" when they enter the exam room -- meeting a patient for the first time. I like that when I am sitting there undressed in a backless paper gown!
     I've also come across lawyers who give themselves an honorific and identify themselves on the phone as "Attorney (name)" so the caller knows they are speaking to "the attorney" rather than a staff member.
     2) Military: In an official situation they would be in uniform, so armed forces personnel would know their rank since they would recognize the uniforms and insignia. Plus often they'd be wearing a name badge!
     I think an officer might introduce himself or herself to a civilian (who might not know an admiral's from an ensign's uniform) using their rank -- as a courtesy ... to let the civilian know what to call him or her in conversation.
         -- Robert Hickey

Do You Ever Sign Your Name as "Dr. (Name)"?    
   Increasingly in this country (UK) people with PhDs are signing themselves in their correspondence (such as in e-mail) as Dr (Name). I have always thought that it was bad form to present yourself your title (even Mr). Shouldn't people use (Name),  PhD and NOT Dr (Name)? Is there is a difference in practice between US and UK?  (By the way, I have a PhD.)
        -- Geoff In London

Dear Geoff in London:
    You should not sign your name with the honorific: sign just (full name) or (full name)+(postnominals).
         -- Robert Hickey