Mrs. or Ms. for a Widow?
        My aunt's husband died several years ago and she has been "seeing" someone else for the past several years but they aren't married.  When addressing her invitation I don't know if I should still write Mrs. or if I should refer to her as Ms.  Any advice is greatly appreciated.
         -- Keri

Dear Keri:
         Whether she prefers to be addressed as Mrs. or Ms. is totally her choice.
         So the only answer is ... you should call and ask her. I've never had anyone be offended when I ask what form of their name do they prefer me to use.
         Let’s assume her name is Linda Wilson and her husband was Richard Wilson. Often women use different versions of their name at different times:
         * Mrs. Richard Wilson when circumstances include her role as part of the family / her deceased husband.  This is also the most formal.  It's probably no secret to her new friend that she was previously married.  My mother never remarried and she used this form for the rest of her life ... and my father died 20 years before she did.
         * Ms. Nancy Wilson when her marital status is not pertinent.  I see most younger women using this form at work where they say – whether or not they are married is not relevant.
         * The other option is Mrs. Nancy Wilson.  I don't suggest you use that without her O.K., since that's the traditional form for a divorced woman, especially divorced women who have children with the family name.  If her husband has remarried ... another woman could be using Mrs. Richard Wilson, so she has to change to something ... and that form is traditionally Mrs. (Her Given Name)+(His Family Name).  
    Certainly some married women use it.  But, I observe fewer and fewer, and almost never do I see it used today by younger women.  They've grown up with Ms.
      -- Robert Hickey

How Do I Address A Widow?
How do you address an envelope to a widow? My mother says to put Mrs. John Doe. I think that it should be Mrs. Jane Doe, since her husband is no longer alive, why use his name? Is either way correct?
       - Blanche Clark


Dear Ms. Clark:
    Mrs. John Doe is the traditional form for a widow. Just because her husband has died, a widow continues to Mrs. (Husband's Name) ... if she chooses to.
    For example my mother continued to use Mrs. Thomas Hickey after my father died. She had Margaret Hickey on her checks, but never Mrs. Margaret Hickey.  She disliked Ms. but I think (in her case) it was a generational thing.
    Mrs. Jane Doe is the traditional form for a divorced woman.
    Ms. Jane Doe is the contemporary form which does not suggest a marital status.
    However, the real answer is you need to find the preference of the person to whom you are addressing. You don't state the nature of the correspondence. She may prefer different forms of her name in different situations. For a wedding invitation from a bride who knew her husband she might prefer Mrs. John Doe but from someone she knows but did not know her husband, she might prefer Ms. Jane Doe.
      -- Robert Hickey

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For forms of address for invitations, place cards, name badges, introductions, conversation, and all other formal uses, see Honor & Respect: the Official Guide to Names, Titles, and Forms of Address.

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Photo: Marc Goodman.