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| How to Address a Man or Woman: Social Forms Men have it easy: Mr. works for nearly everyone who isn't a Dr., General, Mayor, etc.. Use of Ms., Mrs., or Miss is at the preference of the bearer (the individual).
In the United States Ms. is the accepted/default form for women in business, but an individual may be concurrently using both Ms. and Mrs.: Ms. professionally and Mrs. socially. Frequently those who use the traditional form for a married woman, Mrs. (Husband's first name + Surname), are offended to be addressed as Mrs. (Woman's first name + Surname) the traditional form for a divorced woman. Others say that Mrs. (Woman's first name + Surname) is more useful because it acknowledges their marital status and provides their first name. In every case the only advice can be: Check for the preference of the bearer. If you are looking for business forms of address here is a link to those forms.
Envelope for a Man: Mr. (full name) (Address) Envelope for a Woman: Woman, undefined marital status Ms. (full name) (Address) Woman, married or widow, traditional Mrs. (husband's full name) (Address) Woman, divorced, traditional Mrs. (woman's first name) (surname) (Address) Woman, unmarried, traditional Miss (full name) (Address)
Letter salutation: Dear Mr./Ms./Mrs./Miss (surname):
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FYI, here is what's come in to the Blog that relates to this office/rank. For recent questions sent in, check out Robert Hickey's Blog. For specific offices/ranks, check out Robert Hickey's On-Line Guide.
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| How Do I Address A Widow? How do you address an envelope to a widow? My mother says to put Mrs. John Doe. I think that it should be Mrs. Jane Doe, since her husband is no longer alive, why use his name? Is either way correct? - Blanche Clark
Dear Ms. Clark: Mrs. John Doe is the traditional form for a widow. Just because her husband has died, a widow continues to Mrs. (Husband's Name) ... if she chooses to. For example my mother continued to use Mrs. Thomas Hickey after my father died. She had Margaret Hickey on her checks, but never Mrs. Margaret Hickey. She disliked Ms. but I think (in her case) it was a generational thing. Mrs. Jane Doe is the traditional form for a divorced woman. Ms. Jane Doe is the contemporary form which does not suggest a marital status. However, the real answer is you need to find the preference of the person to whom you are addressing. You don't state the nature of the correspondence. She may prefer different forms of her name in different situations. For a wedding invitation from a bride who knew her husband she might prefer Mrs. John Doe but from someone she knows but did not know her husband, she might prefer Ms. Jane Doe. -- Robert Hickey
How to Decide Which Honorific to Use: Mrs. or Ms.? I am a school board representative who received a hand-written note from the school librarian asking me to read to a class. The envelope was addressed to M Robin Buchanan, not Mrs. or Ms. Is using M to address a woman a proper salutation? I understood M is to be used to address men. I thought perhaps the librarian did not know if I was a male or female, although that information would be easy to find. Should I be concerned by her lack of consideration to the person she is writing to or worry that she is using improper salutations? Or do I something new to learn? Thank you for your clarification. Best regards, -- Mrs. Robin Buchanan
Dear Ms. Buchanan: 1) The issue here is 'how to address you formally?' I suspect they wrote M Robin Buchanan ... just because didn't which honorific you preferred ... or didn't know your gender ... and were avoiding the issue. I advise if one is writing someone and are unsure of how he or she prefers to be addressed -- call and ask. I find no one minds being asked how to be addressed respectfully. 2) As to the question of 'How do I present my name to others?' .... today I observe that married women use various honorifics depending on the situation. Ms. Robin Buchanan ... where their marital status is not an issue but you want to specify an honorific. Doing so implies you are not automatically on a first-name basis and prefer be formally addressed in conversation as Ms. Buchanan. Many women use this form at work. Mrs. (husband's first name) Buchanan .... in very formal situations or when you are involved as a spouse/part of a couple. This definitely implies that others will call you Mrs. Surname. Widows continue to use this form when formally addressed as part of a couple. Mrs. Robin Buchanan .... is often the choice of women in the context of being a mom -- dealing with school teachers (as you do), pediatricians, etc. This form provides the first name for those with whom they would be on a first-name basis. For me ... as an outsider .... this form has the potential to cause some confusion since it is not clear whether they want others to address them by first name or as Mrs. Surname. Part of presenting your name is giving guidance to the other person as what you want to be called in subsequent conversation. Robin Buchanan .... is casual. You also use this form when signing your own name: One never gives oneself an honorific. So to me -- you are all of those names at different times. You choose the one that's right for the circumstance. For formal etiquette geeks like me Mrs. Robin Buchanan is the traditional form for a divorced woman who was formerly married to someone named "Buchanan" .... but had kept using the "Buchanan" perhaps because that's the family name of her kids, or for some other reason. BUT ... one of the basics of forms of address is that your name belongs to you .... and EVERYONE is entitled to be addressed as they prefer! -- Robert Hickey Dear Mr. Hickey Thank you for your prompt and thorough answer to my question. As a school director, I hope that our teachers follow proper etiquette in every way, especially when dealing with the public. I will relay your response to the librarian and show that we all can learn something new every day. I certainly have! I will refer to your site for all protocol questions. I followed the link to review your book and will suggest to our librarian we get a copy. I enjoyed the section on how to address a PhD and how to address a MD. I work with few PhDs but an increasing number of EdDs (Doctorate of Education). I previously worked in health care and therefore worked with many physicians. From my limited experience, the PhDs and EdDs all are more defensive about being called “doctor” than an MD. I agree with your medical friend’s response to the “doctor” question. Thank you again for your time. It was a pleasure. -- Mrs. Robin Buchanan
Whose Name is First? His? or Hers? In an salutation for a married couple using just first names .... whose name is first? His? Or hers? Dear Anne and Steve or Dear Steve and Anne? -- Anne Robinson On a wedding program should I list parents as: 1) Michael and Linda Swaggerty OR 2) Linda and Michael Swaggerty We didn’t use Mr. and Mrs. for this, as we prefer all the guests know the parent's first names. I was told by my mother that if the surname is not used, then the woman’s name comes first. Is that right? -- Linda Swaggerty
Dear Anne & Linda: When Mr. and Mrs. is not used, etiquette books suggest ladies first. So with just given names it's: Dear Anne and Steve, When both given names are used with a common surname, they suggest keeping the man's name together as a unit which also ends up being ladies first: Linda and Michael Swaggerty -- Robert Hickey Gentlemen or Ladies First in Joint Address? When listing a couple using first names and last name whose name comes first? Is it Tom and Anne Smyth or Anne and Tom Smyth? -- Liz
Dear Liz: More etiquette books (if that is any measure) show ladies first: Anne and Tom Smyth I've most often seen this explained as keeping the man's full name together as a unit. -- Robert Hickey
Whose Name Is First: The Man or Woman? You write that is is acceptable to write "Dear Ann and Tom." I wish that were true! Ladies and Gentleman .... is the only time in which we women come first according to anyone I know. As women we have to hang on to something so we're not always secondary to men. My sole purpose of keeping my maiden name, Ms. Mary Harrison, is to be equal to my spouse, Mr. Albert Nygard. -- Ms. Mary Harrison
Dear Ms. Harrision: In the world of English social address you are right, often it's "ladies second" rather than "ladies first." However in the world of professional and official address ... where gender is not considered ... there are many times the woman's name goes first. Here are some examples of forms of address determined by the rules of precedence: 1) If the woman is the guest to an official event (e.g., the woman is the reason the invitation is being extended) and her spouse is attending as her guest ... her name goes first: Ms. Mary Harrison and Mr. Albert Nygard 2) If the woman holds a higher office, higher rank, or has a special honorific -- she outranks her husband who has a lower office, lower rank or has no special honorific -- a protocol officer sending out official invitations would always list the woman first in a married couple. E.g.: The Honorable Mary Harrison and Mr. Albert Nygard The Reverend Mary Harrison and Mr. Albert Nygard Her Excellency Mary Harrison and Mr. Albert Nygard General Mary Harrison, USA and Major Albert Nygard, USA Major Mary Harrison and Mr. Albert Nygard Dr. Mary Harrison and Mr. Albert Nygard I cover all this and more in the chapters in my book on Joint Forms of Address and Precedence. -- Robert Hickey
How to Address an Engaged Couple? How would you address an envelope to a retired pastor and his fiancee? They do not live together. He is a very dear friend, I have not yet met her. -- DM Keller
Dear DM Keller: In this case since he's a pastor his name would be first. So, if they present themselves as a couple: His full name on the first line Her full name on a second line In other cases her name might be first if she had higher precedence. If you put an and in front of her name it implies they are married, so in this case just list the names without an and. NOTE: If they don't present themselves as a couple ... e.g., not living together ... consider this: Most formally it may be better to address the letter to him since he's your friend, and include greetings to her in the letter itself. These are some rules for issuing formal invitations which present the traditional logic: 1) Unmarried person are each issued an individual invitation, not a joint invitation 2) An invitation is issued to one person and that person is invited to bring a guest 3) If they present themselves as an established couple ... they are issued a joint invitation. -- Robert Hickey
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All information on www.formsofaddress.info is copyright © 2012 by Robert Hickey. The Protocol School of Washington® is registered in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office. Honor & Respect is dedicated to Dorothea Johnson, Founder of The Protocol School of Washington®
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