FYI, here is what's come in to the Blog that relates to this office/rank.
   For recent questions sent in, check out Robert Hickey's Blog.
   For specific offices/ranks, check out Robert Hickey's On-Line Guide.

How Do I Address A Widow?
How do you address an envelope to a widow? My mother says to put Mrs. John Doe. I think that it should be Mrs. Jane Doe, since her husband is no longer alive, why use his name? Is either way correct?
       - Blanche Clark


Dear Ms. Clark:
    Mrs. John Doe is the traditional form for a widow. Just because her husband has died, a widow continues to Mrs. (Husband's Name) ... if she chooses to.
    For example my mother continued to use Mrs. Thomas Hickey after my father died. She had Margaret Hickey on her checks, but never Mrs. Margaret Hickey.  She disliked Ms. but I think (in her case) it was a generational thing.
    Mrs. Jane Doe is the traditional form for a divorced woman.
    Ms. Jane Doe is the contemporary form which does not suggest a marital status.
    However, the real answer is you need to find the preference of the person to whom you are addressing. You don't state the nature of the correspondence. She may prefer different forms of her name in different situations. For a wedding invitation from a bride who knew her husband she might prefer Mrs. John Doe but from someone she knows but did not know her husband, she might prefer Ms. Jane Doe.
      -- Robert Hickey

How to Decide Which Honorific to Use: Mrs. or Ms.?
     I am a school board representative who received a hand-written note from the school librarian asking me to read to a class. The envelope was addressed to M Robin Buchanan, not Mrs. or Ms.
     Is using M to address a woman a proper salutation? I understood M is to be used to address men.
     I thought perhaps the librarian did not know if I was a male or female, although that information would be easy to find.
      Should I be concerned by her lack of consideration to the person she is writing to or worry that she is using improper salutations?   Or do I something new to learn?    Thank you for your clarification.
     Best regards,
     -- Mrs. Robin Buchanan

Dear Ms. Buchanan:
     1) The issue here is 'how to address you formally?'  I suspect they wrote M Robin Buchanan ... just because didn't which honorific you preferred ... or didn't know your gender ... and were avoiding the issue. I advise if one is writing someone and are unsure of how he or she prefers to be addressed -- call and ask. I find no one minds being asked how to be addressed respectfully.
     2) As to the question of 'How do I present my name to others?'  .... today I observe that married women use various honorifics depending on the situation.
          Ms. Robin Buchanan ...  where their marital status is not an issue but you want to specify an honorific. Doing so implies you are not automatically on a first-name basis and prefer be formally addressed in conversation as Ms. Buchanan.  Many women use this form at work.
          Mrs. (husband's first name) Buchanan .... in very formal situations or when you are involved as a spouse/part of a couple. This definitely implies that others will call you Mrs. Surname.  Widows continue to use this form when formally addressed as part of a couple.
          Mrs. Robin Buchanan .... is often the choice of women in the context of being a mom -- dealing with school teachers (as you do), pediatricians, etc.  This form provides the first name for those with whom they would be on a first-name basis. For me ... as an outsider .... this form has the potential to cause some confusion since it is not clear whether they want others to address them by first name or as Mrs. Surname. Part of presenting your name is giving guidance to the other person as what you want to be called in subsequent conversation.
          Robin Buchanan .... is casual. You also use this form when signing your own name: One never gives oneself an honorific.
     So to me -- you are all of those names at different times. You choose the one that's right for the circumstance.
     For formal etiquette geeks like me Mrs. Robin Buchanan is the traditional form for a divorced woman who was formerly married to someone named "Buchanan" .... but had kept using the "Buchanan" perhaps because that's the family name of her kids, or for some other reason.  BUT ... one of the basics of forms of address is that your name belongs to you .... and EVERYONE is entitled to be addressed as they prefer!
    -- Robert Hickey

Dear Mr. Hickey
     Thank you for your prompt and thorough answer to my question. As a school director, I hope that our teachers follow proper etiquette in every way, especially when dealing with the public.  I will relay your response to the librarian and show that we all can learn something new every day. I certainly have! I will refer to your site for all protocol questions.
     I followed the link to review your book and will suggest to our librarian we get a copy. I enjoyed the section on how to address a PhD and how to address a MD. I work with few PhDs but an increasing number of EdDs (Doctorate of Education). I previously worked in health care and therefore worked with many physicians. From my limited experience, the PhDs and EdDs all are more defensive about being called “doctor” than an MD. I agree with your medical friend’s response to the “doctor” question.
     Thank you again for your time.   It was a pleasure.
     -- Mrs. Robin Buchanan

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For forms of address for invitations, place cards, name badges, introductions, conversation, and all other formal uses, see Honor & Respect: the Official Guide to Names, Titles, and Forms of Address.

Copyright © 2012 Robert Hickey.     All Rights Reserved.
Photo: Marc Goodman.