Whose Name is First? His? or Hers?
    In an salutation for a married couple using just first names .... whose name is first?  His? Or hers? Dear Anne and Steve or Dear Steve and Anne?
          -- Anne Robinson

    On a wedding program should I list my parents as:
        1) Michael and Linda Swaggerty   OR
        2) Linda and Michael Swaggerty
    We didn’t use Mr. and Mrs. for this, as we prefer all the guests know the parent's first names.
          -- Linda Swaggerty

    On shared stationery – how should we list our names? His name first? My name first?  We will be married soon and I have chosen to retain my maiden name.
    My fiancé honestly doesn't care whose name is first. I think it seems like I am secondary to him if his name comes first on everything (which I agree is rather ridiculous but I cannot seem to get past the feeling). What is the "proper" way to do it?
          -- Laura T

Dear Anne, Linda, and Laura:
      In my book I include the following: When writing two names (typically when addressing invitations, but the rules work for other situations, too), there are two ways.
      1) Social etiquette says, when the guests are a couple with different surnames, women are listed first, men are listed second:
            Ms. Laura Thompson and Mr. Henry Smith
            Laura Thompson and Henry Smith
            Laura and Henry
       It is this way in "social etiquette" because gender is a consideration in traditional social forms of address.
      2) This contrasts with business and official etiquette (and the rules of protocol), in which gender is not a consideration.
       In the business and official arenas, if both halves of the couple are of equal precedence, they always are listed alphabetically by surname:
            Mr. Henry Smith and Ms. Laura Thompson
            Henry Smith and Laura Thompson
            Henry and Laura
    This rule is the one you follow for same sex couples:
            Mr. Frank Baker and Mr. Thomas Wilson
            Frank Baker and Thomas Wilson
            Frank and Thomas
            Ms. Amy Clifton and Ms. Maria Yeonas
            Amy Clifton and Maria Yeonas
            Amy and Maria
      -- Robert Hickey

Whose Name Is First If One of Them Is a Date?
      Whose name is first if I am inviting to a business event a couple, who use different surnames? She is the one we are really inviting, he's being invited as a courtesy to her.  Alphabetically he is first, but it seems funny to list him first since he is coming as the date?
              -- Mary Harrison

Dear Ms. Harrison:
    1) If a person is the guest to an official event (e.g., the woman is the reason the invitation is being extended) and her spouse is attending as her guest ... her name goes first:
             Ms. Mary Harrison
                  and Mr. Albert Baker
     His name would be listed first if he is the intended guest.
   2) When they are both invited, so neither is the 'invited guest' then the person with higher precedence is listed first regardless of gender.  E.g., if the woman holds a higher office, higher rank, or has a special honorific -- she outranks her husband who has a lower office, lower rank or has no special honorific -- a protocol officer sending out official invitations would always list the woman first in a married couple. E.g.:
        The Honorable Mary Harrison
            and Mr. Albert Baker
        The Reverend Mary Harrison
            and Mr. Albert Baker
        Her Excellency Mary Harrison
            and Mr. Albert Baker
        General Mary Harrison
            and Major Albert Baker
        Major Mary Harrison
            and Mr. Albert Baker
        Dr. Mary Harrison
            and Mr. Albert Baker
     I cover all this and more in the chapters in my book on Joint Forms of Address and Precedence.
   -- Robert Hickey

How to Address a Divorcee?
    You state Mrs. Jane Doe is the traditional form for a divorced woman.
    A divorcee (how rarely we use that now!) is most formally Mrs. [Maiden Surname] [Married Surname]:
    Upon her divorce from the governor, Mary Todhunter Clark Rockefeller became Mrs. Clark Rockefeller unless and until she remarried.
               -- TMM

Dear TMM:
    How we create names is the domain of etiquette ... and by definition etiquette is specific to a group, varies from group to group, and changes over time. Flags and precedence at the White House are fixed by protocol: names are a bit of a free-for-all where everyone invents as they think is appropriate.
    When I see the form you suggest, my reaction is that is logical and must have been / must be the tradition within a group. But, I have not encountered anyone using the Mrs. (Maiden Surname) (Married Surname) form. Then again, I am not hanging out with the Rockefellers. 
   In my book, while most if covers officials form, I have a chapter on Social Forms of Address, and I include all the traditional and contemporary forms.
   Currently the Mrs. (Given Name) (Married Surname) is the most frequently suggested form from today's etiquette diva's [Amy Vanderbilt, Emily Post, Cranes, Letitia Baldrige, etc.] for a divorced woman.  Not that that makes it the law ... but it tells me that among that influential group ... they all think it's clear.
          -- Robert Hickey

How Do I Address A Widow?
How do you address an envelope to a widow? My mother says to put Mrs. John Doe. I think that it should be Mrs. Jane Doe, since her husband is no longer alive, why use his name? Is either way correct?
       - Blanche Clark


Dear Ms. Clark:
    Mrs. John Doe is the traditional form for a widow. Just because her husband has died, a widow continues to Mrs. (Husband's Name) ... if she chooses to.
    For example my mother continued to use Mrs. Thomas Hickey after my father died. She had Margaret Hickey on her checks, but never Mrs. Margaret Hickey.  She disliked Ms. but I think (in her case) it was a generational thing.
    Mrs. Jane Doe is the traditional form for a divorced woman.
    Ms. Jane Doe is the contemporary form which does not suggest a marital status.
    However, the real answer is you need to find the preference of the person to whom you are addressing. You don't state the nature of the correspondence. She may prefer different forms of her name in different situations. For a wedding invitation from a bride who knew her husband she might prefer Mrs. John Doe but from someone she knows but did not know her husband, she might prefer Ms. Jane Doe.
      -- Robert Hickey

How Do I Address A Widow,
If Her Husband Was a (fill in the blank)?
       Is there a particular way to address mail to the widow of a deceased pastor?  I look forward to your response.
              - Lois and Dave


Dear Lois and Dave:
       Wives, or husbands, of pastors, rabbis, doctors, professors, elected officials, military personnel, diplomats ... or any kind of official ... do not receive any form of address based on their spouse's rank, office or position.
       Widows continue to be addressed as they preferred to be addressed when their husband was living. So, for example, most traditionally ... and formally ... the widow of a pastor was and continues to be: Mrs. (Husband's full name).
       I include all the traditional social forms of address on pages 155-158. Most of my book is on officials, but many wedding and event planners use my book, so having all the social forms in there too is convenient.
        -- Robert Hickey

How to Address a Widow,
Who Never Used Her Husband's Family Name?
      How do you address a new widow who kept her maiden name?
      For example: If her name is Jane Smith and her husband’s name was John Taylor?
           -- Sausalito, CA

Dear Sausalito:
    If she kept her maiden name ... then she never used Mrs. John Taylor
    That's the form the etiquette books would say was the traditional form for a married woman. But of course many women keep their maiden names, and in much of the world it's the norm for women to keep their name. I've taught classes in the Middle East, and while some American may think the Arabic women are oppressed there ... Arab women think it's barbaric that a woman would give up her birth name when she marries!
    So you should address her as a widow by the name she has always used:
            Ms. Jane Smith
    Not using her spouse's name made her no less married -- than his not using her name made him any less married.
           -- Robert Hickey

Not Finding Your Question Answered?
Below are other topics covered in my blog and at right is a list of officials, Between the two I probably have what you are looking for.
     After hunting around a bit, if you don't see your question answered send me an e-mail. I am pretty fast at sending a reply: usually the next day (unless I am traveling.)
      If I think your question is of interest to others, I will post the question & answer – with your name and any personal specifics changed.
      -- Robert Hickey

USE OF NAMES & HONORIFICS   
Mr., Miss, Jr., III, & Names        
Married Women       
Deceased Persons         
People with Two Titles
Post-Nominal Abbreviations and Initials           
Joint Forms of Address    (How to address a couple?)   

USE OF SPECIFIC OFFICIAL TITLES        
Former Officials            
Professionals and Academics        

United States Federal Officials, Currently In Office             
United States State Officials, Currently In Office              
United States Municipal Officials, Currently In Office             
       All About The Honorable with U.S. Officials         
       Former United States Officials of all types             
United States Armed Services, Active Duty             
       Addressing Retired Personnel      
       Use of Rank by Retired Personnel      
       Use of Rank by Veterans      

Tribal Officials             
Clergy and Religious Officials           
Canadian Officials         
Australian Officials          
British Officials, Royalty, and Nobility        
Diplomats and International Representatives            
Foreign National Officials and Nobility        

SPECIFIC SITUATIONS
Business Cards       
Etiquette             
Flags and Anthem Protocol             
Introductions            
Invitations: Writing & Addressing         
Invitations: Just Armed Service Personnel        
Name Tags            
Names on Programs, Signs, & Lists            
Naming a Building or Road            
Place Cards            
Plaques, Awards, Diplomas, Certificates    
Precedence: Ordering Officials           
Thank You Notes             

     Back to Main Page of the Robert Hickey's BLOG 

Robert Hickey is the author of Honor & Respect:
The Official Guide to Names, Titles, and Forms of Address
Published by The Protocol School of Washington®
Foreword by Pamela Eyring

Copyright © 2013 Robert Hickey.     All Rights Reserved.
Book Photo: Marc Goodman.