How to Address Married Women?

How to Decide Which Honorific to Use: Mrs. or Ms.?
     I am a school board representative who received a hand-written note from the school librarian asking me to read to a class. The envelope was addressed to M Robin Buchanan, not Mrs. or Ms.
     Is using M to address a woman a proper salutation? I understood M is to be used to address men.
     I thought perhaps the librarian did not know if I was a male or female, although that information would be easy to find.
      Should I be concerned by her lack of consideration to the person she is writing to or worry that she is using improper salutations?   Or do I something new to learn?    Thank you for your clarification.
     Best regards,
     -- Mrs. Robin Buchanan

Dear Ms. Buchanan:
     1) The issue here is 'how to address you formally?'  I suspect they wrote M Robin Buchanan ... just because didn't which honorific you preferred ... or didn't know your gender ... and were avoiding the issue. I advise if one is writing someone and are unsure of how he or she prefers to be addressed -- call and ask. I find no one minds being asked how to be addressed respectfully.
     2) As to the question of 'How do I present my name to others?'  .... today I observe that married women use various honorifics depending on the situation.
          Ms. Robin Buchanan ...  where their marital status is not an issue but you want to specify an honorific. Doing so implies you are not automatically on a first-name basis and prefer be formally addressed in conversation as Ms. Buchanan.  Many women use this form at work.
          Mrs. (husband's first name) Buchanan .... in very formal situations or when you are involved as a spouse/part of a couple. This definitely implies that others will call you Mrs. Surname.  Widows continue to use this form when formally addressed as part of a couple.
          Mrs. Robin Buchanan .... is often the choice of women in the context of being a mom -- dealing with school teachers (as you do), pediatricians, etc.  This form provides the first name for those with whom they would be on a first-name basis. For me ... as an outsider .... this form has the potential to cause some confusion since it is not clear whether they want others to address them by first name or as Mrs. Surname. Part of presenting your name is giving guidance to the other person as what you want to be called in subsequent conversation.
          Robin Buchanan .... is casual. You also use this form when signing your own name: One never gives oneself an honorific.
     So to me -- you are all of those names at different times. You choose the one that's right for the circumstance.
     For formal etiquette geeks like me Mrs. Robin Buchanan is the traditional form for a divorced woman who was formerly married to someone named "Buchanan" .... but had kept using the "Buchanan" perhaps because that's the family name of her kids, or for some other reason.  BUT ... one of the basics of forms of address is that your name belongs to you .... and EVERYONE is entitled to be addressed as they prefer!
    -- Robert Hickey

Dear Mr. Hickey
     Thank you for your prompt and thorough answer to my question. As a school director, I hope that our teachers follow proper etiquette in every way, especially when dealing with the public.  I will relay your response to the librarian and show that we all can learn something new every day. I certainly have! I will refer to your site for all protocol questions.
     I followed the link to review your book and will suggest to our librarian we get a copy. I enjoyed the section on how to address a PhD and how to address a MD. I work with few PhDs but an increasing number of EdDs (Doctorate of Education). I previously worked in health care and therefore worked with many physicians. From my limited experience, the PhDs and EdDs all are more defensive about being called “doctor” than an MD. I agree with your medical friend’s response to the “doctor” question.
     Thank you again for your time.   It was a pleasure.
     -- Mrs. Robin Buchanan

How Do I Address a Spouse in Conversation?
I was wondering if you could help me with the distinction between use of “Miss,” "Ms.," and “Mrs.” We have a visitor coming to visit our headquarters with his spouse and we are told that we should call her either Mrs. (Husband's first name and last name) or (Her first name and his last name). e.g. Mrs. Paul Smith or Carla Smith ... but not to call her Mrs. Carla Smith as that would imply she is divorced.  Is that right?
            -- Wondering about Married Women

Dear Wondering,
   Here are some things to consider: If she is coming as the "wife of" a visitor, then in writing she would traditionally be:
             Mrs. (Husband's complete name)
   And in conversation use:
            Mrs. (Husband's last name)
   Women who are included as a spouse are typically O.K. with being Mrs. (Husband's Full Name). They are being included because they are a spouse, not on their own.
    In an oral introduction you could May I introduce Mrs. (Surname) or May I introduce (Woman's first name) (Surname) .... no honorific .... either is O.K.
    This is how it is done for First Ladies. For instance the wife of "Bush-43" was either Mrs. George W. Bush, Mrs. Bush or Laura Bush.
    Hillary didn't mind Mrs. Clinton, but did not want to be addressed as Mrs. William J. Clinton .... and requested to be addressed as Mrs. Clinton and referred to as First Lady, Hillary Rodham Clinton.
    If she chose the form of address many working women use, she likely would have used Ms. Hillary Clinton, (... or perhaps Ms. Hillary Rodham if when practicing law if she wanted to continue use of her maiden name.)
        Yes ... Mrs. (woman's first name) (surname)  ... is the format traditionally used by divorced women in the U.S.
    Widow's traditionally continue to be "Mrs. (Deceased husband's full name)" .... as long as they don't remarry.
                       -- Robert Hickey

Dear Miss Lister:
      I am not sure I can advise you of what to do in Trinidad & Tobago but I can tell you what I know is happening in the USA.
    In the USA it is acceptable to address any woman you don't know personally as Ms. .... e.g., "Ms. Nancy Jones."  "Ms." is an equivalent to "Mr." which defines gender but not marital status.  Since it's against the law to discriminate on the basis of sex, age, marital status, etc. in employment .... Ms. removes non-pertinent info from the name.
    When marital status is pertinent as in family activities (social), "Ms. Nancy Jones" may use "Mrs. Henry Jones" and "Mrs. Jones" too.
    I hear from married woman who want to be addressed as "Mrs. Nancy Jones" ... but from a traditional point of view, that's the form which is correct for a divorced woman who still wants to use her former husband's family name for some reason..
    I have friends where the wife does not like "Mrs. Henry Jones" ... EVER .... she likes:
        Mr. Henry Jones
            and Ms. Nancy Jones
                Address
    Re: Hyphenated Names: If you encounter someone with a hyphenated name ... in the US we'd just use it as presented with "Ms." like you note: "Ms. Nancy Smith-Jones." Whether that's her married name ... or birth-family name ... doesn't enter into the use of honorific.
    In the USA the use of "Miss" has been reduced to addressing girls of under ten or twelve years of age ... and once they have become a teenager, they want to be Ms. which they see as adult.   I just taught a class of 42 students .. none knew anyone who used "Miss" professionally  ... and only two people knew anyone who used "Miss" socially -- and they were elderly women. I have since met two women who used "Miss" professionally.
    All this said ... in doing the research on my book I found that there are some women who use "Miss" and "Mrs." professionally.  But you see it less and less often in the USA: Ms. has come ubiquitous.
             -- Robert Hickey

How to Introduce Married Women from The Podium?
Dear Mr. Hickey,
    How should I introduce members of the book committee (I am the chair) to the full club membership at a meeting?  Some of committee members use Mrs. (their husband’s full name), others Mrs. (their full name), and others avoid the issue by using just their (First and last name).  What should I do?   
    -- Mrs. Michael Dillon ... aka ... Jane Dillon

Dear Mrs. Dillon,
    I recently spoke at at meeting of the Centennial Club in Nashville, Tennessee, and noted a speaker using a form that worked. She gave a woman's married name followed by her given name. While it may seem a bit elaborate, it enabled the speaker to avoid offending anyone:
           Mrs. Michael Dillon .... Jane
           Mrs. Thomas Franklin ... Cindy
           Mrs. Robert Elizer ... Harriet
           Mrs. Richard Montgomery ... Francis
  -- Robert Hickey

How to Address A Married Women: Mrs. or Ms.?
     I came upon your site when searching for an answer to my question regarding addressing a married woman who kept her maiden name.  For example, my name is Hope Miller.  My husband’s surname is Clark but I did not change my name when we married.  So, which is the correct way to address someone in this situation:  Ms. Hope Miller or Mrs. Hope Miller? 
     Is it acceptable to address me as Mrs. Hope Clark even though I am not legally a "Clark"? 
     I would really appreciate your insight.
      -- Hope Miller

Dear Ms. Miller:
    You need a legal name for your taxes, passports, purchasing real estate, etc., but you can pretty much use whatever name you want to socially as long as you pay your bills!
    For example, an actress might have legal name, a stage name and a married name ... answer to all of them ... use each in the appropriate situation.
    Most frequently women who use a different surname than their husband, use in professional situations (when their marital status is not pertinent): Ms. Hope Miller
    Mrs. Hope Miller is a bit odd to me since Mrs. traditionally means Wife Of .... though certainly many women using their birth name use it to insert their marital status into their name.
    About using your husband's family name: You might indeed use Hope Clark or Mrs. Clark ... for example, with your children's teachers or at a neighborhood party.  It's not your legal name ... but it might be who you are at the moment.  
    I list all the traditional forms and several questions on this topic at http://www.formsofaddress.info/Social_M_W.html
       -- Robert Hickey

Not Finding Your Question Answered?
Below are other topics covered in my blog and at right is a list of officials, Between the two I probably have what you are looking for.
     After hunting around a bit, if you don't see your question answered send me an e-mail. I am pretty fast at sending a reply: usually the next day (unless I am traveling.)
      If I think your question is of interest to others, I will post the question & answer – with your name and any personal specifics changed.
      -- Robert Hickey

USE OF NAMES & HONORIFICS   
Mr., Miss, Jr., III, & Names        
Married Women       
Deceased Persons         
People with Two Titles
Post-Nominal Abbreviations and Initials           
Joint Forms of Address    (How to address a couple?)   

USE OF SPECIFIC OFFICIAL TITLES        
Former Officials            
Professionals and Academics        

United States Federal Officials, Currently In Office             
United States State Officials, Currently In Office              
United States Municipal Officials, Currently In Office             
       All About The Honorable with U.S. Officials         
       Former United States Officials of all types             
United States Armed Services, Active Duty             
       Addressing Retired Personnel      
       Use of Rank by Retired Personnel      
       Use of Rank by Veterans      

Tribal Officials             
Clergy and Religious Officials           
Canadian Officials         
Australian Officials          
British Officials, Royalty, and Nobility        
Diplomats and International Representatives            
Foreign National Officials and Nobility        

SPECIFIC SITUATIONS
Business Cards       
Etiquette             
Flags and Anthem Protocol             
Introductions            
Invitations: Writing & Addressing         
Invitations: Just Armed Service Personnel        
Name Tags            
Names on Programs, Signs, & Lists            
Naming a Building or Road            
Place Cards            
Plaques, Awards, Diplomas, Certificates    
Precedence: Ordering Officials           
Thank You Notes             

Back to directory of titles  /  See who is using Honor & Respect

For forms of address for invitations, place cards, name badges, introductions, conversation, and all other formal uses, see Honor & Respect: the Official Guide to Names, Titles, and Forms of Address.

Copyright © 2013 Robert Hickey.     All Rights Reserved.
Photo: Marc Goodman.