How to Write a Couple's Name On a Donor's List?
We are figuring out how to request or names be listed on a donor's list. We see in your book that the most formal way to write our names is Ambassador Kenneth Cole Britt and Mrs. Britt. BUT I want both our names listed and for my wife not to be listed as Mrs. Britt. We are thinking of -- Ambassador Kenneth Cole and Mary Leighton Britt.  I've seen that form used at many museums. Technically I am The Honorable but you don't see that very often in this sort of list. Right?
        -- Ken

Dear Ambassador Britt,
     I have seen that form at carved on walls of museums too, but I always assume they were lacking space for a complete name or were ran short of money for the engraving and had to skimp on the number of letters.
     Regarding the form I give in my book: it is the most formal form for others to use to address you.  In what you write about today, it's you writing your own name -- not a form of address.  The Honorable would be used by others addressing you -- not you presenting your own name.
     I like what you suggest except I would include your full name ... then your wife's full name.
     So I suggest:
              Ambassador Kenneth Cole Britt and Mary Leighton Britt
    Which would be for other ranks:
              Captain Kenneth Cole Britt and Mary Leighton Britt
              Judge Kenneth Cole Britt and Mary Leighton Britt
              Pastor Kenneth Cole Britt and Mary Leighton Britt
    And for couples that don't have a rank or special honorific ... leave of the Mr. and Mrs.:
              Kenneth Cole Britt and Mary Leighton Britt
       -- Robert Hickey

How to List a Couple's Name When He is a Jr. or Sr.?
       Can you please help me? When writing a couple's name would you write Charles Henry, Sr. and Daisy Ellis Rivers. Or would it be Charles Henry and Daisy Ellis Rivers, Sr.
            -- Betsy Mizner @ yahoo.com

      I am preparing programs for my wedding. We are listing our grandparents who have passed. My grandfather was a junior.  However, my grandmother, his wife, is also deceased.  Where do we put the junior as to not confuse him with the other men with those names?
      Example:  Jane and Thomas Smith, Jr. (?) or Thomas and Jane Smith, Jr. (?)
            -- Kristen Smith

Dear Ms. Mizner & Ms. Smith:
       When one combines names ... as in ... Jane and Thomas Smith or Charles Henry and Daisy Rivers ... these are casual, informal forms.
       The casual forms are sort of a free style ... there are no rules.  But with casual forms, the names can't be done as elegantly and consistently as they can when using formal forms. That's what the formal forms were developed to do ... to be consistent and elegant.
       #1 The traditional form for a married couple is:
              Mrs. and Mrs. Thomas Smith Jr.
              Mrs. and Mrs. Charles Rivers, Sr.
       #2 But I am guessing you want to use all their given names ... her name and his.  Thus the most formal way is to write each name fully and not combine them:
              Thomas Smith, Jr. and Jane Smith
              Charles Henry Rivers, Sr. and Daisy Ellis Rivers
                   or, ladies first ....
              Jane Smith and Thomas Smith, Jr.
              Daisy Ellis Rivers and Charles Henry Rivers, Sr.
      The majority of etiquette book suggest the former form, but I don't actually think that's the only correct option. You should choose.
      In such a listing, the and between their names indicates they are married/are a couple because individuals who are not married/are a couple are listed separately / not listed together.
              -- Robert Hickey

How to Address a Couple Where
She is A Doctor and He is a Mister?
      My brother (Erwin Wright) and sister-in-law (Monica Vintner) write their names as Wright and Vintner on the return address. She has kept her maiden name and also has a PhD in academia. What is the correct way to address them on invitations (formal and informal), as well as holiday or anniversary cards?
           -- M. Torres

Dear M. Torres:
     The formal social form would be (following the rules in etiquette books) to put Monica first since she's "Dr." and that has a higher precedence than a "Mr."  Partners with special honorifics (doctorates, military ranks, etc.) are most formally listed first in joint forms of address:
          Dr. Monica Vintner
            and Mr. Erwin Wright
             3333 Smith Court
               Henderson, OH 44444
     But -- you are using this on family social cards. Hummm. Since they list themselves "Wright and Vintner" on their return address -- they have established that to be their casual preference.  For casual correspondence I'd use it and address the envelope as:
          Wright and Vintner
           3333 Smith Court
              Henderson, OH 44444
     And inside write "Dear Monica and Erwin"
           -- Robert Hickey

How to Address a Two Doctors?
       I attended a dinner given in the home of a plastic surgeon (him) and a dentist (her).  Both are doctors with their own practice.  When I was introduced it was first names.  How do I address the envelope of the thank you note?
        -- Cecilia Bonnington

Dear Ms. Bonnington:
      I cover how to address two doctors in my book: Chapter Nine - Joint Forms of Address.
      When couples have the same rank ... which they do in this case since the are both Dr.  ... on the mailing envelope they would be listed in the order established in the order in Mr. & Mrs.
        Dr. Adam Wilson
            and Dr. Cynthia Wilson
                (Address)
    or if they use different last names
        Dr. Adam Wilson
            and Dr. Cynthia Smithson
                (Address)
    Then on the salutation, since you are on a first-name basis address them as:
            Dear Adam and Cynthia,
    What I've outlined above is the most formal, so it's never incorrect. Note that I'm intentionally avoiding -- and suggest you do too -- any form that combines their names and "Dr" like Drs. Adam and Cynthia Wilson.
                     -- Robert Hickey

How to Address a Military Officer & Dentist? 
        How do I address an envelope to a United States Navy Captain and a Dentist who are married?
                Captain Joshua & Dr. Brooke Jones?
        -- D. Bainbridge

Dear Mr. D. Bainbridge:
        Most formally people with titles and ranks get their names as a unit ... not combined with another person's name. Since he is in uniform ... military uniformed personnel have precedence over civilians ... so the USN Captain is listed first.
        So the form would be:
                Captain Joshua Jones
                and Dr. Brooke Jones
                (Address)
       -- Robert Hickey

How to Address a Military Officer and a Medical Doctor?
What is the correct form for a joint salutation when the wife is a medical doctor and the husband is a Colonel (not sure of the branch)? They share the same last name.  Is there a hierarchy to which is listed first?
    Same question for the address on the envelope: Should the male go first or does a Dr. trump a Colonel regardless of the gender?
         -- Jeanie Farrell in Arkansas

Dear Ms. Farrell:
    1) One doesn’t specify the branch of service on a social letter ... so you are off the hook!  When writing an official letter to a Colonel at his office ... you would include USA or USAF after his name ... and you would need to find out the branch.
    2) In this combination the Colonel goes first: he has an official rank. The doctor has an academic degree, but not an official rank.
    3) Wives of officials are usually written as  "Mrs. (surname)", but since she’s a “Dr.”, it would be acceptable to use her first and last name as I suggest below.
    On the envelope write this line for line (does not have to be indented however):
        Colonel John Wilson
            and Dr. Mary Wilson
                (Address)
    In the salutation write:
        Dear Colonel Wilson and Dr. Wilson,
         -- Robert Hickey

Robert,
     I have a follow-up question. I have been under the assumption that if a couple shares the same last name it is not necessary to repeat it in the joint salutation or the joint mail name. Is it wrong in your opinion to say?
         On the envelope: Colonel John and Dr. Mary Wilson 
         In the salutation: Dear Colonel and Dr. Wilson
     Thank you so much,
         -- Jeanie Farrell in Arkansas

Jeanie,
    I always suggest the most formal way ... figuring formal is never wrong ... and being casual might be. And the most formal way to write any name is do so completely, all on a line by itself.
        Colonel John Wilson
            and Dr. Mary Wilson
                (Address)
    When the couple uses the same last name and the wife uses Mrs. -- you see the following used on a holiday cards but not on anything very formal:
        Colonel and Mrs. John Wilson
            (Address)
    Most formally it's:
        Colonel John Wilson
            and Mrs. Wilson
                (Address)
    When it's the woman who is the official it becomes:
        Colonel Mary Wilson
            and Mr. John Wilson
                (Address)
    Men using the same last name get their full names, wives don't. That's the tradition!
    A salutation is based on what one calls the other in conversation.
        Most formally in a salutation use: Dear Colonel Wilson and Dr. Wilson,
        Less formally in a salutation use: Dear Colonel and Dr. Wilson,    
    I'd use on of the formal salutations until I was ready to use simply Dear John and Mary,
    -- Robert

How to Address a Military Officer & Medical Doctor
... But They Use Different Last Names?

     I need to address an envelope for a husband and wife who use different last names. The woman is a M.D. medical doctor and her husband is a captain in the military.
         -- Pat

Dear Pat,

      1. Standard protocol is that a person with a rank will have higher precedence than a person without a rank. So the captain's name is first. (See also #4 below.)
      2. If this social correspondence then his branch of service ... USA or USN ... is not included. Official would include situations when you are writing to him as a Captain ... and it was regarding his service in the the Armed Forces
      3. If this is social correspondence then she is "Dr." before ... not "MD" after
          Captain William Henderson
              and Dr. Mary Smith
                  (address)
      4. If she is the invited guest and he is being invited as a courtesy ... as her escort ... then the precedence reverses. The guest is granted higher precedence and the guest's name is first.
          Dr. Mary Smith
              and Captain William Henderson
                  (address)
    FYI, your question is answered in my book in my chapter on joint forms of address.
    -- Robert Hickey

How to Address a Two Pastors?
    What is the proper way to address a letter to my pastor and his wife is also a pastor? Thank you in advance.
          -- Susan Wise

Dear Ms. Wise:
     I cover how to address two pastors in Chapter Nine: Joint Forms of Address.
     You didn't mention if they both use the same last name ... so I will assume the do.
    And I will also assume you address each as Pastor (surname) in conversation rather than Dr., Father, or something else.
    That said ... on the envelope ... address it to "your pastor" first ... and put the name of "his spouse" on the second line:
        The Reverend Clinton Jones
            and The Reverend Susan Jones
                (address)
    On the salutation to both use:
        Dear Pastors Jones,
      -- Robert Hickey

How to Address a Female Pastor & Her Husband?
      How do I address a sympathy card to our female pastor and her husband on the death of her husband’s son from a previous marriage?
    -- nskcomstock

Dear nskcomstock,
    Most formally on an envelope your Pastor is listed first since she is The Reverend (Full Name) and he is a Mr. (Full Name). People with courtesy titles rank higher than people without them.
     And because she has a title ... she gets her whole name as a unit ... not mixed in with her spouse's name. So avoid anything resembling The Reverend Allyson and Mr. Wilson Smith... which is really bad.  
     And assuming they use the same last name ... the most formal would be:
          The Reverend Allyson Smith
               and Mr. Wilson Smith
     In the salutation you could use the form you think she prefers in conversation ....
          Dear Pastor and Mr. Smith,
          Dear Dr. and Mr. Smith,
     Or if you are on a first name basis use:
          Dear Allyson and Wilson,
               -- Robert Hickey

How to Address a Pastor and Her Military Husband?
     My question has to do with addressing envelopes.  Our Pastor, Alyson Smith, of the Presbyterian Denomination, is married to a retired Lieutenant Commander, USN, Richard.  He is to be awarded his PhD soon.  Regardless of the degree, I have not been able to find out how one is to address an invitation, card, or letter to the two of them, together.
         --- Bobbi Sue Minton

Dear Ms. Minton:
    I have an entire chapter on joint forms of address in my book for just this type of situation. I am guessing you are addressing him socially, so ... socially his name is written:
        Lieutenant Commander Richard Smith
    As a member of the clergy, her name is written:
        The Reverend Alyson Smith

RANK WITH A POST-NOMINAL ABBREVIATION
    Regarding his PhD. In the US academic post nominals are never used with a rank. So he can be Lieutenant Commander Richard Smith (or Commander Smith in conversation) or Richard Smith, PhD (or Dr. Smith in conversation if he wants to be address as "Dr.") but never Lieutenant Commander Richard Smith PhD.

USE OF DOCTOR
    Usually holders of PhD's don't use Dr. (name) unless they work in academia or research. E.g., the holder of a doctorate in French who teaches would use Dr. (name) .... The holder of a PhD in finance who works at a bank wouldn't. But ultimately it's his option how he is addressed.

WHOSE NAME IS FIRST?
    An active duty or retired military person has higher precedence than a civilian so is listed first. So in most circumstances the joint form would be:
        Lieutenant Commander Richard Smith
            and The Reverend Alyson Smith
    BUT if she is the invited guest ... and he is invited as her escort, then as the guest her name would appear first:
        The Reverend Alyson Smith
            and Lieutenant Commander Richard Smith
     I have spelled out "Lieutenant Commander" every time above, to avoid the whole issue of how to abbreviate his rank. I cover that in my book on pages 94-98 (service-specific abbreviations) if you need that information.
                  -- Robert Hickey

How To Address a Pastor and His 'Professor' Wife?
     I refer to your book often. How do I address a thank-you note to a pastor and his wife when both hold doctorates and she is a college professor?
     -- Lucy Hendershott, Great Falls, Virginia

Dear Ms. Hendershott:
    If it's a thank-you note ..  it's social correspondence (as opposed to official correspondence to one or the other's office) so it's easier .... because you don't use their post-nominal initials on social correspondence.
    Put each name a line of its own ... so each gets their full name just right
            The Reverend Dennis Winslow
                and Dr. Marilyn Winslow
    His name would be first .... as a member of the clergy. Clergy has higher precedence than a private citizen. Even as a professor with a doctorate ... she's a still private citizen.
    You definitely want to avoid forms such as The Reverend and Dr. Winslow or The Reverend Dennis and Dr. Marilyn Winslow
         -- Robert Hickey

How To Address Married Military Officers of Equal Rank?
     How do you address married couples in the military with the same rank.  Is it?
              Captains John and Mary Smith
     or is it?
             Captain John Smith and Captain Mary Smith
    Also what if they are married but have different last names?
          -- Candy J.

Dear PSC:
     I cover how to address two officers in the military in Chapter Nine: Joint Forms of Address.
     l am guessing this is a social form ... such as an invitation? And that both are captains in the same service?  O.K.? if so ...
     Outside envelope: When someone has a special title/rank .. most formally you write out their full name and you don't mix it with the other name:  So both get their rank + full name.
    But ... whose name goes first? His name? Her name? There is a protocol for this decision, and it's neither alphabetical nor ladies first. Military officers of the same rank are always ordered by seniority. One member of the couple has an earlier date of rank ... which gives that person higher precedence / greater seniority.
    I can guarantee you they have discussed this and the couple knows which of them has higher precedence/seniority by date of rank! So you need to contact them if you are determined to do it correctly.
    Since each is getting listed fully ... it does not matter if they have different last names

        Captain John Smith
            and Captain Mary Smith    (if he has seniority)
                Address

        Captain Mary Smith
            and Captain John Smith    (if she has seniority)
                Address

Inside envelope:
    Captains Smith (same last name, most formally)
    Captain Smith and Captain Wilson (different last names, more senior person listed first)
    Mary and William (less formally if they are very close friends or family)
          -- Robert Hickey 

How To Address Married Officers:
Equal Ranks, One Active, the Other Retired?
    What is the proper way to address two married members of the military when one is active duty and one is retired and they are the same rank on official correspondence? I couldn' find the answer on your site.
      -- Tish

Dear Tish:
    The rule of precedence is that personnel are grouped by rank ... and active is before retired.
    The way it's phrased on the precedence list I include in my book (page 127) is for, say O-8's:
        VIP CODE 5
        43.    Two-star military: Major general, rear admirals, by seniority.
                 Retired officers by rank by after active duty officers
    I don't try and answer everything on the site .... I have a chapter in my book on precedence and joint forms of address if this sort of thing comes up often.
          -- Robert Hickey

Whose Name is First? His or Hers?
    In an informal salutation for a married couple using just first names .... whose name is first?  His or hers?
          -- Anne

Dear Anne:
   Should you write it ladies first?
           Dear Anne and Tom,
   Should you write it to preserve the Mr. & Mrs. order?
           Dear Tom and Ann,
   When there is no surname used ... more etiquette books (if that is any measure) show ladies first:
           Dear Anne and Tom,
      -- Robert Hickey

    Hi Robert,
    Thanks!  I wasn’t expecting a response so quickly.  You confirm what I’ve found by searching all over – that there really isn’t a hard and fast rule, so I think we’ll have to define it here so as not to offend the donor’s we address. I’ve found your site to be most helpful as I work on writing a procedure for our Development Office.
          -- Anne

Gentlemen or Ladies First in Joint Address?
    When listing a couple using first names and last name whose name comes first?  Is it Tom and Anne Smyth or Anne and Tom Smyth?
         -- Liz

Dear Liz:
   More etiquette books (if that is any measure) show ladies first:
        Anne and Tom Smyth
   I've most often seen this explained as keeping the man's full name together as a unit.
                   -- Robert Hickey

Whose Name Is First: The Man or Woman?
      You write that is is acceptable to write "Dear Ann and Tom."  I wish that were true!    
      Ladies and Gentleman .... is the only time in which we women come first according to anyone I know. 
      As women we have to hang on to something so we're not always secondary to men. My sole purpose of keeping my maiden name, Ms. Mary Harrison, is to be equal to my spouse, Mr. Albert Nygard.
              -- Ms. Mary Harrison

Dear Ms. Harrision:
    In the world of English social address you are right, often it's "ladies second" rather than "ladies first."
    However in the world of professional and official address ... where gender is not considered ... there are many times the woman's name goes first. Here are some examples of forms of address determined by the rules of precedence:
    1) If the woman is the guest to an official event (e.g., the woman is the reason the invitation is being extended) and her spouse is attending as her guest ... her name goes first:
             Ms. Mary Harrison
                  and Mr. Albert Nygard
    2) If the woman holds a higher office, higher rank, or has a special honorific -- she outranks her husband who has a lower office, lower rank or has no special honorific -- a protocol officer sending out official invitations would always list the woman first in a married couple. E.g.:
        The Honorable Mary Harrison
            and Mr. Albert Nygard
        The Reverend Mary Harrison
            and Mr. Albert Nygard
        Her Excellency Mary Harrison
            and Mr. Albert Nygard
        General Mary Harrison, USA
            and Major Albert Nygard, USA
        Major Mary Harrison
            and Mr. Albert Nygard
        Dr. Mary Harrison
            and Mr. Albert Nygard
     I cover all this and more in the chapters in my book on Joint Forms of Address and Precedence.
   -- Robert Hickey

How to Address an Engaged Couple?
      How would you address an envelope to a retired pastor and his fiancee? They do not live together. He is a very dear friend, I have not yet met her.
              -- DM Keller


Dear DM Keller:
        In this case since he's a pastor his name would be first. So, if they present themselves as a couple:
                His full name on the first line
                Her full name on a second line
       In other cases her name might be first if she had higher precedence.
       If you put an and in front of her name it implies they are married, so in this case just list the names without an and.
       NOTE: If they don't present themselves as a couple ... e.g., not living together ... consider this: Most formally it may be better to address the letter to him since he's your friend, and include greetings to her in the letter itself.
    These are some rules for issuing formal invitations which present the traditional logic:
        1) Unmarried person are each issued an individual invitation, not a joint invitation
        2) An invitation is issued to one person and that person is invited to bring a guest
        3) If they present themselves as an established couple ... they are issued a joint invitation.
                   -- Robert Hickey

How to Address a Two Honorables?
     I need to send a letter to two people (husband and wife) who are married and both need to be addressed as The Honorable in an address.  How do I address them?!  Thanks.
     -- Rick Eckis on Capital Hill

Dear Mr. Eckis:
     I include how to address two elected officials in Chapter Nine: Joint Forms of Address.
     (1) First you need to determine which person has higher precedence so you can know whose name is listed first.
     (2) Then list each person's name on a line by itself. Anyone's who is The Honorable gets his or her name written in full on a line by itself.
     Gender is not a consideration. So if you determine he has higher precedence, his name is on the first line and hers in on the second. If she has higher precedence she is listed first.
           The Honorable (full name)
             and The Honorable (full name)
                 Address
                  -- Robert Hickey

How To Address Two Ambassadors in a Salutation ?
    Please tell me what the joint salutation would be for married U.S. ambassadors with different last names.   Am I correct in that the mail names would be ... 
     The Honorable Jack G. Small
     and The Honorable Ann K. Jones
 Thanks so much!
                 -- Debbie

Dear Debbie:
    Yes .. .that is perfect. Each gets their full name spelled out on their own line.
    Next question is whose name is listed first? You listed Jack Small. Officially the one who became an ambassador earlier has higher precedence ... and would be listed first ... unless you are writing to one of them at their post ... and an ambassador at his or her post has the higher precedence.
                   -- Robert Hickey

Dear GB:
    Yes, I have a chapter on joint forms of address. This combination is covered on page 145. The correct address would be:
               The Honorable Jane Doe and Mr. John Doe
     ... because men get their full names when their wives name is listed first due to her higher precedence.
     For a formal salutation use:   
               Dear Madame Ambassador and Mr. Doe:
     Although using "ambassador" as the honorific would also be O.K.:   
               Dear Ambassador Doe and Mr. Doe:
               -- Robert Hickey

How To Write My Name as The Mayor with My Doctor Husband?
My husband is a doctor and I am the mayor of our town.  How should we be signing registries, cards, etc. as a couple?  I am signing as Dr. and Mrs. Carl Wilson. Is that correct?  Can my mayor title go anywhere in there? How should I be signing our Christmas Cards?
             --- Cate Wilson in Florida, again


Dear Mayor Wilson:
If you are signing an official card, register, or guest book as the Mayor --- use the following:
             Cate Wilson, Mayor of (town) and Dr. Carl Wilson
      I am suggesting you put your self first: as an elected official you have higher precedence that your husband. And I am suggesting you don't call yourself Mayor Cate Wilson, since one doesn't give oneself an honorific (I don't introduce myself saying "Hi I am